Kill the Muffin-Top!

The trials and tribulations of my journey to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

After my triumphant return last week from sickness my daughter was stricken with a nasty bug that kept her fever up and appetite down for most of the week. She seems to be feeling better but it's been a long haul for both of us. The ironic part: She lost 10% of her body weight while sick! True, she was only 53 pounds to start but STILL!! And daily I continue to struggle to lose 10% so I can earn my WW pin. GO FIGURE

With that being said, not much else to report. It's been one helluva week...Happy Weekend!!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Still Sickly But Movin' On

I'm still sick with this nasty cold/sinus infection - wish I could lay in bed all day and not have to function in the real world. My ears are plugged, I can't taste or smell, I have a loose cough and my nose is raw from blowing it so much. But on the plus side, I still have no appetite and since I can't taste or smell, it doesn't pay for me to eat foods that aren't healthy. (Not that it ever "pays" but it's a lot easier to stick to WW when I can't taste what I'm eating!) My scale read "196.5" this morning which is the lowest it's been in months. Guess I can thank my current liquid/soup diet for that. I know the number will jump up once I start eating more solids again but on a day when I feel miserable, it's a shining glimmer of light to brighten my day.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Sickly

I'm sick. Not sick enough to stay in bed all day, but sick enough that I feel like crap and just walking to the bathroom is exhausting. But I went to work so that's 2 points for me. This is the start of a sinus infection - I've had enough in my lifetime to accurately self-diagnose the symptoms. Fortunately I had some leftover prescriptions for the last infection (January) so I hope to be better sooner than later.

My energy and concentration levels are so low that this will be a short entry; sorry if it makes no sense. I skipped WW last week and this week I'm under the gun to correct as much damage as possible. The last 1-2 weeks have been rough for me, especially the whole DOG thing. But that's over and done with and I'm loving my new-found freedom at home (translation: I'm thrilled to be able to move from room to room in my house without climbing/moving baby gates!). The guilt and sadness is just about gone so today is Restart Week 1 for me. I'm back to eating lots of soup and bringing healthy snacks to work. Now if only I can get past the nighttime binges again...

Friday, March 17, 2006

We'll Miss You Doggy

Yeah, our dog is gone now. Last night the family I've been talking to about him came to meet him and just fell in love with the pooch. They hadn't planned on it, but decided to take him home last night. I was relieved, my daughter was crushed. We both had a good cry as we were packing up his things. His new family seems super nice and they were very insistant that we come visit as much as we want to. They invited us to come over and grill out, and to join them on their boat on Lake Michigan. They want to buy a special gift/toy for my daughter, and insisted on sending me some money for him (which I of course declined, but would appreciate since I paid $300 for the pooch when we got him). We sent his favorite toys, kennel, treats, leashes, etc. along to help make the transition easier for everyone. Tonight they are going to call and let us know how he's adjusting. I have a deep-seeded fear that he'll be more than a handful for them and that they'll have second thoughts when they realize just how much of a puppy he really is. I told them, but of course he was on his best behavior the entire time they were there. I told them we'd gladly take him back if they had any problems/doubts once they got him home. They wanted us to come visit him in the next day or two but I think that would only make things worse right now. My daughter agreed; we should wait at least a week until he settles in a bit and we stop crying.

My daughter absolutely fell apart once he was gone. Screaming, hitting, even ripped a picture off the wall. I've never seen her act that way; her heart was broken and she didn't know how to deal with it. And that of course got me crying again, feeling like a crappy mom. Oh what an emotional night it was! I feel like I have a bad hangover today and didn't have a drop to drink. Once she totally exhausted herself she calmed down and apologized and went back to her rational self (then almost immediately fell asleep). She was better this morning and I even got her to admit that it WAS nice to not have to deal with that hyper dog this morning while trying to get ready for school. And she still has "her" dog and 2 cats, so it's not like she's petless. Now she'll be able to take more responsibility for her animals - before I always took the dogs out because mine was such a handful and 2 dogs were just too much for her to take out. Her dog doesn't even need to be on a leash outside so she can handle him just fine on her own.

In between her sadness and the meltdown, I asked what she would like to do tonight...something special (to keep her busy/distracted). She asked to have a "family night" - do each other's hair and nails, eat junk food, watch movies, play games and sleep in the living room. Makes me feel proud to know she wants to spend the evening with me!

So needless to say, my emotional eating binges have certainly been a problem the last few days. At this point I'm not even trying to stop it. I'm not weighing in this week; that would only discourage me more. I'm allowing myself to "do what I need to do" through tonight and tomorrow it's back on my points and exercising without exception. No more failure! I'm going to try and combat this past week's sins as much as possible before next weekend so I can get that scale heading in the right direction again. I know what you may be thinking...it's a DOG!!!! But he was a member of our family for the last 1-1/2 years. My daughter already lost her dad and brother and to be honest, this hit her worse than when the other 2 moved out (although she was a lot younger then). The hardest part is behind us and there's nowhere to go but forward now. I wasn't sure how easy it would be to sleep on the floor tonight but I'm so (emotionally) exhausted that I don't think it will be a problem. I don't even have the energy to dig the air matress out of the basement.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Come Back One-der Land!

Wow, my daily titles are sure a good indication of what this new lifestyle has been for me...good one day, bad the next, good again, bad again...Time to break that cycle!

This weekend was a rough one, but still not a complete regression back to my old ways. I won't even go into the details because it's all so blah, blah, blah! This moment in time is all that matters now since the past is the past. I stepped on the scale this morning to see a perfect "200.0" - WAH!!! Part of it can be contributed to my falters over the weekend and part of it can be attributed to the good 'ole PMS fairy. I woke on Saturday and The Girls were so swollen and sore that I resorted to wearing a sports bra all weekend for added support. The $5 Wal-Mart bras I usually wear just aren't doing the trick these days! I've committed myself to a heavy dose of water consumption this week, along with sticking to my points without failure the rest of the week. No room for error here! I'd really hate to see the WW scale creep up at my next weigh in. I'll accept maintaining my weight from last week but refuse to slide backwards. Last week's weigh in was at 198.0, down exactly 5.8 lbs. from my first weigh in on February 17th. I get to celebrate reaching "One-der Land" AND a 5 lb. weight loss at the next meeting...wouldn't it be a shame if I lost it all before then?

Fortunately I have lots of fresh veggies at home to help me through the next several days. I've discovered a new favorite meal...I boil up some sliced zucchini, saute it up with some garlic and cherry tomatoes and top with a little feta cheese and Barilla marinara (with mushrooms). Yummy, filling, and low on points.

As for the dog...the Humane Society I wanted to send him to (they don't put down any dog they deem adoptable, they keep them until they find a proper home) is in a neighboring county and state law prohibits them from accepting surrenders from outside the county. So back to square one. I talked extensively with a trainer (who knows my dog well) and got some great ideas. Seems he's not a mean dog (which I know); he just needs to learn who the boss is in the house, and it's NOT him! I've begun using the new techniques and so far so good. Maybe there's hope for us yet. I hope to have my home return to its peaceful and happy state before summer arrives.

I don't think anyone reads my blog, which is fine; but I did change the title from "Not By Chance" (as in, I won't lose the weight by chance, it takes hard work) to "Kill the Muffin-Top!" because it seems more aggressive and accurate. :)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Back in the Saddle Again

Yee-haw, I'm back in saddle again! Yesterday I stuck to my points 100% (even came in under my daily allowance). Today at work we had a "pig out day" to celebrate a co-worker's upcoming wedding. Now let me explain - these pigouts are not for sissies. With over 75 people participating you're sure to consume several day's worth of calories when tempted with tables full of goodies. Fortunately today's feast was a "salad bar" theme, and the first of its kind in the 5 years I've been here. Whew! I came prepared with my own lo-cal dressing and reduced fat cheese, along with diced chicken breast. I knew there would be lots of fattening toppings and I wasn't going to blow this one! And I didn't; in fact, I cut out of line half way down when the breads, pasta salads & desserts started creeping up. I went straight back to my desk and filled up on a healthy salad. Yeah me! I'm now pleasantly full (not the normal over-stuffed gut-ache I normally had after one of those luncheons).

As for the dog...no calls yet. Wouldn't ya know...last night he was very well behaved, and my daughter cried herself to sleep after begging me to keep him. Damn, now what?! He has been better the last few days which I contribute to several things 1) he can sense something is going on 2) he went to "doggy playcare" last Thursday and had a blast socializing with other dogs and running around all day, and 2) this weekend we were given a cage for him which is HUGE and since it's wire, he can see everything going around him where as before he was in a smaller plastic cage. Now what?! I think I"ll send him to playcare again tomorrow and see how things go, just taking it day by day with no promises either way. It's all I can do right now.

Life seems to be suffocating me a bit and a big part of that is my cluttered house is adding to my feelings of being overwhelmed. I've decided to take the day off tomorrow to try and regroup and destress. Wish me luck...I need it!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Bye Bye Doggy

Yesterday I came to the long overdue but badly needed decision to find a new home for one of our dogs. He's a sweet and loving dog but still full of lots of puppy energy. It's not fair to him that he's left in his cage for countless hours each day while I'm at work. And as a single mom, I have limited "free" time for walking him, and my daughter is not old enough to walk him alone (and likewise, I can't walk him while she's in bed and home alone). He deserves so much more than we can give him. And because he still has a lot of puppy left in him, we can't leave him uncaged and unattended....he likes to seek and destroy.

My daughter cried, I cried, but we both agree that it's best for us and for him. So I made a few calls to some fellow dog-lovers including the owner of the kennel where we took him for boarding and training. She's going to put some feelers out for us and hopefully the right family will welcome him into their home. I don't want to take him to the Humane Society and risk him being put down. I really don't think that would happen because he's a younger, housebroken Cockapoo, good with other animals and kids. And he's so darn cute! He just deserves better.

This decision left me with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and failure. Yet I know it's the best decsion, and I know once he's gone I'll have a HUGE burden lifed from my shoulders. I just hope it happens quickly so I can get this all behind me. My eating habits over the last several days have been disappointing, if not shameful. At this point I'm not worried about how much I'll lose at Thursday's weigh-in but rather how much I'll gain this week. I didn't stick to my guns last night with the meatloaf dinner, mostly because dinner got pushed back rather late and by the time we ate I was very hungry. Not to mention the surprise bacon-wrapped water chestnuts mom made....YUM!

This morning I've started "fresh" with my eating habits and points. There's no sense dwelling on the last few days, I can't change it now. Onward soldier!!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Fell off the Wagon

Damn it, I fell off the wagon BIG TIME over the weekend. I think I ate 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, or was it 4...I lost count. Eating out was more difficult than I anticipated, mostly because I had several nights of nighttime binging, which led to hunger pangs during the day, restless nights with little sleep, and a bloated feeling mixed with a sense of utter shame. I've probably consumed more than my total weekly allowance of points and it's only Monday. And obviously I can't refrain from eating for the next 4 days so I'll need to be extremely careful.

I did spend a lot of time in the kitchen yesterday preparing healthy foods. I made a big pot of split pea soup which I love. I chopped up lots of fresh veggies for the upcoming week and rationed out food portions for snacks. Tonight is the big meatloaf dinner at my parent's house, which I'm worried I'll BLOW because my food choices have been so poor lately. I actually figured out the point values for each item I'll be eating tonight. I now realize I have to measure each item I put on my plate instead of the usual 'eat till I'm too stuffed to move' when it comes to mom's meatloaf dinners. I also have decided what I'll eat for the entire day including snacks and already recorded each item and their values in my journal. There's no room for error today!

Friday, March 03, 2006

One-der Land

I have officially entered WW's "One-der Land" and the leader congratulated me and told me I want to stay there the rest of my life. "Oh don't worry, I WILL stay there, and I'm never leaving it again!" I replied with a big smile. It's a small step, but lots of small steps will take me through the long haul. I lost 1.8 lbs this week which I'll take; as long as I continue to lose, no matter how small, I'll be happy. I've lost a total of 4 pounds in the 2 weeks I've been on WW and that's with my birthday, the dreaded Girl Scout Cookie arrival, and other food related life events.

This week I'm going to seriously focus on sticking to the points system at all costs. Sunday we're going to brunch with all my aunts, uncles & cousins to celebrate my grandma's 75th birthday. I'm not too worried because I'm not a big brunch fan and there will surely be a selection of foods to chose from. Monday night we're going to my parent's house for dinner and that is my biggest upcoming obstacle for the next week. Mom is making her famous meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes and peas. This folks is my number one food weakness, and it's a rare occassion that she makes it. My little sis is coming home from NC for the weekend and when she does, mom always makes this special meal. I'm saving my entire 35 points allowance for that dinner even if a big slab of meatloaf with potatoes smothered in margarine will add up to 35 points. Maybe I'll be smart and calculate the points ahead of time "just in case".

I went to Wal-Mart to treat myself to an abs workout DVD, something basic and not too time consuming to "start somewhere". They didn't have any workout DVD's. What's up with that?! :(

Goals for this week:
- Stick to the points system 100%
- Drink lots of water each day
- Some form of exercise every day, even if it's only 15 minutes on the treadmill

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Scared

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm scared to weigh in tonight. Why? Because I know I haven't done my best the last several days...one meal of letting my guard down led to several, and let's not forget those damn Girl Scout cookies which arrived Monday. (I only bought them because my daughter is a Brownie so it's only right). I've eaten the equivalent of one box of Tagalongs which is my food crack of choice. As of this morning my scale said 198.5, as it has for the past few days (even last night). I'm really hoping that means I'm holding steady at this weight, at least until after tonight's weigh in. I was down to 196 over the weekend but, well...you know the story. I was really hoping for a strong loss this week to pump me up and feed my desire to try harder. Even though I feel like I've let myself down, I don't feel like I've regressed to my old ways, nor do I want to. I'm not in the mood to throw in the towel, which is a great sign. Today I'm back to eating soup for breakfast as it's the one thing that really carries me through the morning. I've been lax about preparing healthy meals to bring to work and I've been on the go a lot at night...no more excuses. Tomorrow night I'll spend some time in the kitchen and that should help me get through the weekend.

This week I got a crazy notion that I need to start dating again, should I meet someone decent. I Hemmed and Hawwed and decided to post my profile on Match.com. UGH!!! In the last 24 hours I've been bombarded with emails from guys, mostly nice guys who just don't trip my trigger. Some freaks, and not really anyone I could see myself getting to know better. My fault...I posted current pictures of myself and let's face it, I couldn't win a beauty contest these days. The mind is willing but the flesh is not ready. And deep down I know now is not good timing for me to start dating again because I'm trying to really focus on me and what I want to do with my life. Adding a new relationship to the equation would just throw things off at this point. Plus although I'm feeling much better about myself and the changes I'm making, I sure don't feel sexy and self confident yet. I will in time, but that time is not now. Guess I'll pull the plug on my 3-day trial and try again in a few months.