Kill the Muffin-Top!

The trials and tribulations of my journey to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


I've been concerned about my weight for, well, as long as I can remember (since I was a pre-teen at least). I remember my stepdad and mom calling me "backpack" because I had a nice, round ass and curves. I wasn't fat. I thought I was; looking back at those pictures and thinking about all the paranoia I had about being fat...what a joke! I honestly remember being 118 lbs. and my hip bones would stick so far out (my waist was very small) that I couldn't lay on the floor because it hurt too much. I'm 5'6"...tell me I wasn't thin at 118 lbs.! Now I'm pushing 200 lbs. and I know what real fat is. But why did they tease me as a teen about being fat? By "they" I mean my family...

Stangest part about this rambling post is that I am finally for the first time ever in my life craving to be healthy, physically fit and muscular. I NEVER cared about that before, it was always about the weight and being skinny. I'd do just about anything (except eat healthy and exercise) to be thinner. Diet pills, fad diets, you name it. Ya'll know the story, many of you have been thru the same things. Even when being thin came naturally to me (in high school and early 20's) I was never fit; I never worked out regularly or had a lean body. I was just thin (but considered myself fat). But for once in my life I'm actually more concerned with becoming fit and healthy than "thin". I honestly don't know how much I really should weigh for my age and build. I know I need to knock off at least 50 lbs. to be in a healthy range. I could find diets that would shed the pounds quickly. But I don't want that this time. I really want to be fit and healthy. I want endurance. So what if I can't get a 25" waist again, as long as my body (cellulite) isn't flabbing in the breeze! I WANT to be one of those women who craves a good workout, not one who avoids it at all costs. I want muscle, I want tone. I want to be able to push myself a little harder each day and achieve things that I have never been physically able to do.

I don't want to hang my head in shame at how unhealthy and downright unattractive I've become. I feel complete shame, no doubt about it. Depression...oh how depressed I get about how I've let myself go. I miss the confidence and pride I used to have. The heavier I get the more unattractive I feel, the less I take care of myself and the more I want to hide in shame. Simple daily tasks are often emotionally difficult for me. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. There are days I don't feel like even showering because, who cares? Nobody will find me attractive this way. Why bother putting on makeup or doing my hair? It's still the same fat blobby body under it all.

Nighttime is my favorite time of day, when I can crawl in bed, pull the covers up and make the world go away until tomorrow. I'd sleep my life away if I could. And I keep going to bed earlier and earlier the heavier I get. I might get up 5 times a night to eat, drink, pee...but the inactivity has almost become an obsession. I've tried so many sleep aids to keep me "out" for the night that things like Nyquil and Benedryl don't even make me sleepy anymore. I often thank my lucky stars that I have my daughter in my life or I bet I wouldn't even get out of bed. Then again, if I weren't a single mom and had no obligations other than to myself I would probably become obsessed with working out at the Y, because going home to an empty house would just be too unbearable.

Wow. Where did that confession come from?! Here I was all pumped about finally having the desire to become fit, then I bare my soul about how completely disgusted I am with myself most days.

Damn, think positive, get your ass moving. Nobody is going to do it for ya!!


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