Kill the Muffin-Top!

The trials and tribulations of my journey to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Blah Blah Blah

Not much new to post today. Sunday we went out for pizza and wine (a portion of the sales went to my daughter's school so we had to go). I did okay, all things considered. I didn't overeat and I had 1.5 glasses of wine; once the wine kicked in I decided to order a Calzone to go. Damn, it was good...spinach, garlic, mushroom & artichoke. The flavor was incredible! So I snacked on that the last 2 days but finished it off last night so I could get back on track. Then there were the 4 Girl Scout cookies I ate last night (for a total of 6 points) and the 2 leftover pieces of pizza from Sunday night. Damn, that was a rough one. But I purposely haven't touched any of my flex points this week to counteract such a mishap, which obviously occured. All in all, it wasn't as damaging as past events. And unlike the past, my blunder didn't cause me to throw in the towel and declare myself a failure; I just picked back up this morning with the points and all is good again.

Anyone out there noticing my changed attitude from a month ago? I sure do, and it feels great!

I'm tired this week. Lots going on and I just can't seem to get things to "connect". My house is a mess, I have loads of laundry to put away, my kid needs a bath and I have a lot of fresh veggies in the fridge that need to be used up soon. Sigh. Guess it's time to crack open a Diet Mt. Dew and get to work!

Monday, February 27, 2006

Hike in the Woods

It's amazing to me how my attitude has changed since I first started blogging in January to where I am right now. I've started caring more about my appearance when I leave the house (in other words, I actually put on makeup and wear my contacts; I even find myself wearing lip gloss or lipstick once in awhile - gasp!). The other night I was changing and my daughter (she's 8) said, "mom, you're skinnier!" I think she was just trying to make me feel good, and it worked. The weight is coming off slowly since joining WW but it IS coming off. I'm losing inches and the scale is slowly creeping in the right direction. Obviously I haven't lost enough weight to make a noticeable difference in my appearance (yet!) but I really do feel different about myself. I'm not depressed, and I have an underlying sense of pride for changing my habits. I feel lighter on my feet and feel thinner; I don't feel like the same fat blob who used to continue to grow each day. Mentally and emotionally I fee like a new woman!

Saturday my daughter & I decided to take the dogs for a walk at a nearby 4-H park. We followed the only set of foot prints into the woods since the trails were covered from last week's snowstorm. We ended up following the LONG trail which I'd never been on. It was great, but what a workout!! Tromping thru the deep snow for an hour really gave my body a workout. My boots felt like they were filled with lead by the time we got back to the car and I could barely lift my feet off the ground by that point. We all had fun, including the dogs. The little one (he's less than 5 pounds) had to be carried half way through the hike because the snow was deeper than he was tall. Our other dog (he's about 12 pounds) LOVED the challenge and I've finally found a way to burn off that puppy energy he has. Needless to say, everyone slept good Saturday night!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

THANK YOU Weight Watchers!

I can say with a great deal of confidence that if I had not joined Weight Watchers last week, I would've consumed a TON more calories (not to mention fat grams) last night on my birthday! I did eat 1 more slice of pizza than I had anticipated, but easily passed on the garlic bread (something I never would've done pre-WW). We even splurged on DQ sundaes on the way home but I had a small sundae...far cry from my days of "larges" and certainly much less damaging than the entire cake I would've consumed in years past (over a matter of days, but I still would've eaten it all!).

So I got through my birthday much better than I did in years past. (...she says as she pats herself on the back) I'm looking forward to my first weigh in on Friday but I'm a little nervous that the results won't be as exciting as I'm hoping for. Logically, I know that a loss of 1 pound per week is a safe, reasonable goal. Yet I'm hoping that this first week will bring me a jumstart on the weight loss. Guess I'll just have to stick to the program and see what happens on Friday!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Happy Birthday To Me!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I've certainly spent enough time dreading this day but now that it's here, dare I say it...I almost feel special today?! Turning 35 seemed like a really big deal to me, not that I consider it "old" in anyway. But I feel like I've wasted a lot of good years, especially the last few. I let my health and appearance go to hell, and for that I'm ashamed. But all hope is not lost...

I decided to bite the bullet and joined Weight Watchers last Friday night. I intended on using the membership primarily for the accountability of weighing myself publicly once a week, and didn't hold a lot of stock into their eating program. I'll admit I went into it quite skeptical - you mean I can eat whatever I want, as long as I stay within my points?! Surely a program that would allow me to eat CRAP won't work... But once I got home with my books and literature I pulled out my handy dandy calcualator and realized, if I eat CRAP during the day, there won't be many points to hold me over until the next day. And once I started adding up the "points" of a typical day for me I realized this could actually work!

I weighed in at my all-time high weight: 203.8 lbs. UGH!!! But I purposely joined when I was at my worst, and when Aunt Flo was visiting. Start with the worst situation and it can only get better from their, right? I actually started to follow the "Points" system and it's almost become a game for me. Oh to my surprise and joy last night when I discovered my last remaining 5 points allowance was exactly the number of points one serving (15 pieces) of Kit Kat Bites are. For the first time in a LONG time I ate that candy without feeling guilty. I savored each and every bite, instead of the normal inhaling I would've done last week. And I proudly measured out one serving and didn't go one bite over. This may not sound like a big deal to most, but it was truly a monumental event for me. And it actually gave me hope that I can make this happen.

And another "good sign"...my aunt gave me a bag of Hershey Kisses with Almonds for my birthday and I immediately gave them away. I know, I could've had a few, but in all honesty if I would've had one I would've ended up eating the entire bag. Another baby step which NEVER would've happened a week ago, when I was still living on faulty excuses and "next times".

Today is Day 4 on the Points system. My scale is down 5+ pounds from Friday. I know it's a result of several things but it gives me hope that I might actually have a loss at my next weigh-in.

I've carefully rationed out my points for my birthday dinner. Nothing fancy, but we're going to my favorite pizza place and they have the best wine. I've already figured out how many pieces of pizza and glasses of wine I can have without "going over". In the past I would've eaten nearly a whole pizza myself plus cheese garlic bread. I can guarantee I won't be doing that tonight!

As for the nighttime binging...it's actually somewhat under control. This accountability I'm holding myself to is really helping. I won't say it's easy, but it sure helps win the battle when I'm struggling with myself. Actually, that's why I don't have a lot of flex points left for tonight's festivities. I've been counting my nighttime binging points which is only fair to myself. For example, last night I "binged" on whole grain toast with natural peanut butter and honey, a glass of skim milk and some unsalted roasted sunflower seeds. Woo Hoo, go nuts! A week ago a typical nighttime binge was an entire box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. NOW CAN YOU SEE WHY I'M FEELING SOME SUCCESS?!

I'll be sure to check in again tomorrow with tonight's results...wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

"Love Thyself Day"

I am renaming today "Love Thyself Day", for those of us who are not in a relationship at the moment. In the past I've usually spent single Valentine's Days "treating" myself to a rich, lucious meal which usually included a bottle of wine and lots of chocolate. Not today! Nope, I'm using today as the official kick-off to honoring my heart by "treating" it to healthy foods and exercise!

I actually feel good today; no edginess or cravings for junk. I'm not sure why, but hey, I'll take it!! Tonight will be the real test...my daughter will be gone until bedtime and I'll be on my own for dinner. I'm planning on having a veggie burger (no bun) with hummus. Here's how I did so far today:

B: Kashi Go Lean cereal with skim milk and blueberries, glass of V8 juice
S: Oat bran pita with hummus
L: Lentil & ham soup

I feel full and content, and this IBS-sufferer is sure not complaining about the added fiber today! OI brought a yogurt and sunflower seeds for an afternoon snack. I was able to have today's food packed and ready to go last night before bed and it really helped me get out the door with healthy foods this morning. I also started using a "Weekly Meal Planner" chart to help me determine what and when I'll be eating in the coming days. This way I can plan ahead and use ingredients I have on hand before they go bad (I'm terrible at letting things expire before I use them up), or make a quick grocery run without forgetting what I need.

I've also printed out the recommended daily food requirements for myself and my daughter to use as a reference point (posted on the fridge). Hopefully the gentle reminder will help assure we are getting enough of the nutrients our body needs each day (something neither of us has been very good at lately). Create My Pyramid Plan

I'm still debating about joining Weight Watchers. I could go to my first meeting tonight, when my daughter is gone. But making weekly meetings (especially on the same day each week) might be too hard for this single mom to pull off. Guess I'll decide tonight...and would it really hurt to try to give it a shot? I think I'd be much more likely to stick to The Plan if I know I'm facing weekly weigh-ins....Any opinions out there??

Monday, February 13, 2006

Do or Die

Okay, so today's title is a little dramatic. But that's how I feel: do or die. My weight and eating habits continue to spiral out of control despite my self pep talks and half-assed efforts. I pumped myself up for a dedicated effort this morning; fresh week, new start, blah blah blah. What went wrong?

My dog was thrilled to receive a ham bone from Grandma yesterday. He knawed on that thing for countless hours. My dog happens to be a cockapoo, and a small one at that (about 10 lbs.) I'm still not sure if he swallowed something he shouldn't have or if he just over did it, but last night he woke me crying to be let outside 4 TIMES. It was damn cold outside last night (February in Wisconsin ain't for whimps). And each time, he couldn't poop. Poor little fella. (You'll be happy to know I went home during my lunch break to let him out and he did finally go!)

After a restless night without quality sleep (what a crappy way to start the week) the alarm went off and I turned on the local news. An Amber Alert was issued moments later for 3 sisters who were abducted from their home which happens to be be about 5 miles from me. One of the girls is my daughter's age (8) and it just hit too close to home. Instead of preparing for the day ahead I found myself glued to the news awaiting updates and peeking out the window to look for signs of the getaway car. (Fortunately the girls were found a short time later, unharmed).

Then my dog decided to sneak a sucker (chocolate tootsie pop to be exact) from the coffee table (my daughter's sucker, not mine!). I took it from the dog and went to pick him up to put him in the kitchen and he tried attacking me! He's never done this before and I'm hoping it was due to a sore digestive system. He actually bruised the back of my hand with his teeth, although he didn't break the skin. I had to snatch him up with a blanket to get him back in his kennel without getting bit harder. Freak!

I grabbed a frozen container of lentil soup from the freezer for lunch and a Lean Cuisine sandwhich from the freezer for breakfast. I got to work a little flustered from the morning's activities, but was determined my luck would improve. HA! I went to put my breakfast in the fridge and whoops! It slid off the box and landed on the kitchen floor - upside down of course. So during coffee break I ran across the street to Subway and made a healthy choice. Then I learned (within minutes) that 2 family friends passed away over the weekend (completely unrelated to each other). Bummer. What next?!

I'll tell ya what next...a Nutty Bar and an A&W Root Beer from the vending machine, then a huge chocolate eau'clair donut from a co-worker. Damn, what a lunch! Now I feel even MORE bloated and fat from all the pure crap I ate this weekend. I was BAD.

I'm running out of "chances" here and need to get my ass in gear. It's gotta happen, and only I can turm things around. I've been considering joining Weight Watchers for the accountibility aspect - it seems that so many people who have been successful on the blogs I've read all belonged to WW. I know it would help knowing I had to publicly weigh in every week, but I don't live in a city and being a single mom, I might not be able to make a lot of the meetings. I guess I have to decide if it's really worth it for me. Hmmmm...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

OMG!!!

That old phrase..."out of sight, out of mind" sure hits home today. Seems I haven't been so good about writing in my journal except on the days I'm eating healthy. But earlier this week I made myself a promise that I would record everything I ate even when it's really bad. This morning I did some calculating and realized that my eating really is out of control, moreso than I realized.

Yesterday I ate unhealthy and I knew it. But I didn't realize just how damaging my habits were until I saw these numbers:

Calories: 2652
Fat: 121
Carbs: 231
Protein: 153
Fiber: 22

OMG!! The worst part is, I haven't calcuated in the chocolate I ate during the night because the bag is at home and I don't have the "nutritional values" (or lack there of) with me here at work. So I think it's safe to say I consumed over 3,000 calories yesterday which is MORE THAN DOUBLE the amount I should be eating. Sadly, I ate a healthy breakfast, healthy snacks during the day, and didn't go completely overboard on the nighttime binging (much less than I usually do).

As depressing as this is, in a way it's somewhat comforting. If this is a normal, not watching what I eat day, it's no wonder I'm at my all-time high weight. This should mean that if I start exercising regularly and start eating only healthy, nutritional foods, the weight should start to come off, right? It's not like I've been eating healthy and exercising consistently and hit a plateau; there's nowhere to go but down (in weight) if I start living a healthy lifestyle.

I had lentil soup for breakfast - loaded with fiber & protein but low on fat and calories. I brought soy crisps, yogurt and a peach for snacks at work. Not sure what I'll have for lunch, but I can guarantee it won't be a Big Mac and large fries! Maybe a sub from Subway (one of the low-fat subs) since I don't plan on making a big meal tonight. I can't go over my daily calorie allowance today...I just can't.

Saturday night I am attending a dinner at church and the menu is pre-selected: chips & salsa, wet burito, Spanish rice and fried ice cream. No way of getting around that meal. And in 2 weeks it's my birthday, so that will be a "free day" because afterall, I only turn 35 once! Other than that, I'm making the firm committment to myself right here and now to make healthy food choices at all times.

I think I need to start using a meal planning chart to help me know ahead of time what I'll be eating for meals and snacks. Hopefully this will help me stay on track and be more prepared in the kitchen.

I've just hit rock bottom. I've been slapped in the face with the realization of just how damaging my eating habits (and lack of exercise) are. I've gotta grow up and do what's best for me now. There's no more putting off till tomorrow. The time is NOW!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Still Binging...

I don't know what to do, I'm still suffering from middle-of-the-night binges. I wake halfway during the night, stumble through the dark and raid the cupboards or fridge, and stuff my face with whatever trips my trigger at that particular moment. It's really getting out of control because I can't seem to stop. Once I'm fully awake (surely from the mounds of sugar I recently inhaled) I feel sick and guilty. Sometimes if I eat a LOT of sugar I find myself gagging it up in my sleep. This can't be normal, and I know it's not healthy.

Each night I go to bed with the best of intentions and end up failing. It doesn't matter if I have a great day of healthy eating or chow down McDonalds for dinner...the cravings/binges always come. And yes, I've tried removing all sugar from the house. Then I end up binging on something else...one night it was half a jar of salty sunflower seeds; last night it was slices of cheese. Regardless, I wake up depressed, frustrated with myself, and just down right feeling crappy (physically). It seems like a losing battle - surely there is a way to break this cycle? It's super frustrating when I eat healthy all day and then end up consuming a day's worth of calories on sugar & fat. I know this is why my weight is out of control. Until I can gain control of my binges, the weight will never come off and I will never be "healthy".

Try and try again, maybe tonight will be different....

After last night's binge of chocolate candies (and the aforementioned cheese) I woke in a foul mood. It didn't help that my DD woke me up a few times during the night, plus all the times I woke to binge and pee. I was an out of control monster this morning as we overslept and I had to come to work looking like crap once again. Once I got to work and ate my new favorite meal (soup) I felt somewhat better and optimistic. I had a tangerine for my morning snack. I've planned to eat lentil and ham soup for lunch, which should help "clean out" last night's "sins". Never really had lentils before but I made a big pot of lentil soup over the weekend. Sure hope it tastes good because I'll be eating it for days to come...

Monday, February 06, 2006

Grocery Shopping 101

Yesterday I went grocery shopping again, which seems to be a frequent event for me lately. This might sound surprising to some, but when your diet consists of McDonalds, Subway, the vending machines at work, and at least 2 nights eating "out" each week, there really is little need for major grocery shopping. Add in a kid who can't stand eating meat and would live on pure carbs if I let her, and at any given moment my fridge was stocked with very little, and even less nutrition. When I bought my house last summer I opted for an economical fridge; no ice maker, a not-so-big freezer (after all, that was only for storing ice cream and margarita mix). It's not small, but certainly not big enough to meet my needs these days.

I spent nearly an hour wandering the big, new Pick 'N Save in a nearby town (we don't have grocery stores in the town I live in). I had my list ready: fresh fruits & veggies, yogurt, lean meat, etc. I now realize that Wisconsin winters SUCK for fresh produce. What I wouldn't give to have my garden producing these goods for me now that I actually appreciate them! Anyway, I spent my time reading labels very carefully. I've done this often over the years, but I always knew what I was looking for: low fat, no sugar, etc., always dependant on the way of eating I was currently practicing. Now, for the first time in 34 years, I'm trying to eat healthy foods. Whole foods. Foods without a bunch of ingredients I don't know the names of. I've never practiced this lifestyle before and let me tell ya, it's damn confusing!! My mind is trained to think "low fat" or "no sugar" (SBD). And although I've had past success with these diets, ironically I'm at my all time high weight! I've done diet pills (phentermine was awesome) and every diet under the sun except Atkins. I'm trying to balance the amount of protein, fat, carbs, etc. in a normal, healthy way. And it's NOT EASY!!! And finding healthy, whole natural foods in this area is even harder. I wanted some sunflower seeds to add to my yogurt....my only choice was the dry roasted can of Fisher's, found in the Snack Isle next to the chips. I wanted to try hummus on whole grain pitas for a snack...nana. (I've since looked up recipes for hummus and will give it a try, although the only pitas around here are NOT very healthy).

So what's my point of this post? Same as most...endless rambling. But it was nice to select healthy foods, and yet very uneasy to my diet-minded brain. I'm completely convinced (after lots of research) that the best possible thing I can do for my body is to choose healthy, natural foods and get my ass moving each and every day. And someday, somehow, if I treat my body like the temple it is, my weight and fitness will all balance out. It's gonna take a long time and a lot of retraining my brain (don't forget I have binging issues to add in the mix) but if I stick to it, I (and my daughter) will be better for it in the end.

I have a younger sister who's a size 2, works out almost every day, and looks like a twig. I used to be SO jealous of her, and jealous that she has the time to go to the Y for 1-2 hours each day while her kids are in school and I'm working. Yet she's a stick. She has no curves. Never has, never will. She gets that from our father's side of the family. I on the otherhand inherited the curves like my mom's side has. Saturday she called and asked what I was doing...I was making a pot of lentil soup. "Oh, I envy you" she said. I wanted to smack her, skinny bitch that she is. Turns out she still eats crap and eats whatever, whenever she wants. Sure she has the skinny ("good") genes, but in the end I'll have something she doesn't: good health and respect for myself. Look out world, here I come!!

Friday, February 03, 2006

"Tales From the Scale"

My copy of "Tales From the Scale" by Erin Shea just arrived, a day late but at least it's here! My eager curiosity made me take a peek and read a few pages. BAM! It was like opening a flood gate of emotions for me. A-HA! I know exactly what the authors felt when they wrote the words. I love the reference to "BigGirl Town". I live there, and have for the past several years. But I didn't always reside there...I grew up in "Hot Chick City". I really did! Growing up I was always slender (but curvy) and never had a problem turning heads when I walked into a room. And my shy at first, sweet personality really closed the deal. I IN NO WAY AM VAIN, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN. But now I can look back at the past and admit that I was attractive, once upon a time. I never could admit that too myself in the past (that would've been too pompus). Isn't there an "Attractive Woman Suburb" I can move to?!

I want to be able to look good in a pair of shorts and a tank top. That's what I really want. I used to ache to be a bikini beach babe; honey, those days are gone! I'll be 35 in 2 weeks and I've given birth. I got fat and out of shape. So even if/when I reach my weight goals, I will never be a beach bunny. And I just realized for the first time today that IT'S OKAY. I shouldn't be trying to erase time and long for what I once had - or didn't have, as the case may be. I need to find a place where my mature, adult self can reside comfortably. Guess I'll take down my old bikini which has been mounted on my wall for the past 6+ months as a "gentle reminder" of where I want to be. Maybe I should add "Tales From the Scale" to my coffee table as a gentle reminder instead?

I can't wait to get home tonight and curl up with this good book. I look forward to getting on that treadmill and making things happen. The women in this book are such an inspiration to all...if they can do it, I can do it. Nobody said it would be easy but it sure will be worth the effort.

I want to become one of those "she must be obsessed" women we all see around town...the ones who make daily exercise a top priority in their lives despite their marital status, the number of hours they work or the number of kids they may have. You know the type...they're out there in the dead of winter power-walking as we sit curled up in front of the TV with a box of Little Debbie snack cakes. In the summer they're out there with all the little ones in tow, pushing what seems to be a 150 lb. stoller filled with kids and they're pounding away, effortlessly. I WANT to be one of those women! I want to eat healthy, natural foods without giving it a second thought; I want it to be second nature, not aching for McDonald's to be the primary food supplier in the family. I want to scoff at the thought of taking the elevator at work (I work on the SECOND floor - how pathetic is it that I take the elevator up & down every day!?!) I want these things. And I can have these things. All I need to do is....well, just DO IT!!!

Survived

Although there was never any doubt, we survived our Visitors last night. In fact, Flavor of the Month stayed in the car and the Ex was eager to get out of my house so things went good. In fact, the asshole called exactly 2-1/2 hours and was ready for our DD to be picked up. Gee, that was worth the 80 mile drive...NOT! The lovebirds never bothered to tell our DD they are expecting this summer, yet they discussed it at dinner with the other adults. DUH, the kid is 8 years old and and very smart for her age...didn't he realize that she is smart enough to understand what they were talking about?! IDIOTS, that's all I can say. Fortunately my DD's 2 yr old cousin was there the entire time and my DD adores her, so her night went great. Not because of her dad, but because she got to play with her cousin.

So I did cave and buy a box of Zebra Cakes last night to "comfort" myself. I allowed myself 1 box, then I'm being cut off again. Although I slept for shit (must've woke a half dozen times) I somehow mananged to not scarf down the entire box. This is a good thing people! And better yet, my gut feels like I have rocks in it. I guess I was so used to my body feeling completely shitty for so long that I took it as the norm; now that I've been making healthier food choices over the last few weeks my body really doesn't appreciate when I load it up with sugar. Guess my body is just doing what it's supposed to...too bad I feel so crappy today as a result. It's rebelling against the sugar I pumped it with last nigh and the fact I slept like crap. I feel like I've been hit by a bus. But it's all behind me now, so onward soldier!!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Forgive the Chocolate

Yes, you read correctly, "forgive the chocolate" or "ignore the binge" because, quite frankly, it's gonna happen. I haven't been in this healthier lifestyle long enough to fight down the nastiest of demons. And no, I'm not referring to PMS, Aunt Flo, or any of the other once a month female induced excuses. This one is a doozy for me, and can kick Flo's ass anytime. She has no real strength in my book.

But dealing with the aftermath of the Ex Husband and his lil Flavor of the Month coming for a past due visit. Hell, the asshole hasn't been here to see our daughter since December 3rd, 2004. But who's keeping track?! She's seen him a few times since at family gatherings and such, but he hasn't been on Our Turf in too damn long. Tonight's visit will be short and sweet, filled with the customary "I'm a wonderful dad" spiff and they'll blow back out of town before anyone has time to catch their breath. Then I'll be left with an emotionally confused, wreck of a daughter who doesn't know how to deal with the feelings she has. She loves him, she hates him, she wants to see him, she's nervous to see him, he makes plenty of empty promises and never follows through. And guess who becomes the punching bag? ME.

To top it all off, I get the current Flavor of the Month visiting our home for the first time. It's not much, but damnit, it's mine and much more than the Ex ever provided. Still, there's something very humbling and humiliating about having the Ex's newest Flavor come into my home, eyeing up my sanctuary in an effort to quickly analyze who I am and why our marriage failed. JUST ASK! Always been the rule...won't interfere but if they ask me to my face, I won't lie. Last one didn't believe he cheated on me...did I mention he was screwing the current flavor for 6 months on the side while still engaged to the previous Flavor? Oh yeah, there's some humble pie goin' on there now isn't there?!

She's 12 years younger than us (hell, she's barely old enough to drink and is still in college) and I take great pleasure in knowing her smug little "I love him so much" attitude will be castrated when she catches him cheating on her and lying to her face. He never gets away with it for long, and eventually they all figure out what a con artist he is. HA! And they always come crawling back in shame when they realize I'm not the Bitch he's made me out to be.

Good thing I'm not BITTER, huh?! I know I'm ranting and it sounds like I'm really consumed with this whole thing, even though I divorced him 6 years ago. I'm not, really! But on the rare occassions he decides to blow in to town, play Daddy for a few hours and leave for months, I get pissed. It hurts our DD so much, and I'm so angry at him for it. As for him, I thank God every day I'm not still married to such scum. And I do take great pleasure in watching his predictible soap opera life unfold time and again. But when he comes on my territory and hurts our daughter, I take it very personal. I'm a mama bear protecting her cub. GGGGRRRRRR....

So back to the Chocolate! Each night this week I find the chocolate cravings growing stronger and stronger. I can't fight this demon much longer. It's like a big zit that needs to be popped! Either that or I need new batteries for my Rabbit! LOL This urge is greater than any of us and until I cave to it, it's not going away. At least not this week. Next week when life returns to "normal" in my house and asshole ex husband is back in his own little world, life will be good again, and chocolate will become the enemy once more.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Muscle

I've been concerned about my weight for, well, as long as I can remember (since I was a pre-teen at least). I remember my stepdad and mom calling me "backpack" because I had a nice, round ass and curves. I wasn't fat. I thought I was; looking back at those pictures and thinking about all the paranoia I had about being fat...what a joke! I honestly remember being 118 lbs. and my hip bones would stick so far out (my waist was very small) that I couldn't lay on the floor because it hurt too much. I'm 5'6"...tell me I wasn't thin at 118 lbs.! Now I'm pushing 200 lbs. and I know what real fat is. But why did they tease me as a teen about being fat? By "they" I mean my family...

Stangest part about this rambling post is that I am finally for the first time ever in my life craving to be healthy, physically fit and muscular. I NEVER cared about that before, it was always about the weight and being skinny. I'd do just about anything (except eat healthy and exercise) to be thinner. Diet pills, fad diets, you name it. Ya'll know the story, many of you have been thru the same things. Even when being thin came naturally to me (in high school and early 20's) I was never fit; I never worked out regularly or had a lean body. I was just thin (but considered myself fat). But for once in my life I'm actually more concerned with becoming fit and healthy than "thin". I honestly don't know how much I really should weigh for my age and build. I know I need to knock off at least 50 lbs. to be in a healthy range. I could find diets that would shed the pounds quickly. But I don't want that this time. I really want to be fit and healthy. I want endurance. So what if I can't get a 25" waist again, as long as my body (cellulite) isn't flabbing in the breeze! I WANT to be one of those women who craves a good workout, not one who avoids it at all costs. I want muscle, I want tone. I want to be able to push myself a little harder each day and achieve things that I have never been physically able to do.

I don't want to hang my head in shame at how unhealthy and downright unattractive I've become. I feel complete shame, no doubt about it. Depression...oh how depressed I get about how I've let myself go. I miss the confidence and pride I used to have. The heavier I get the more unattractive I feel, the less I take care of myself and the more I want to hide in shame. Simple daily tasks are often emotionally difficult for me. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. There are days I don't feel like even showering because, who cares? Nobody will find me attractive this way. Why bother putting on makeup or doing my hair? It's still the same fat blobby body under it all.

Nighttime is my favorite time of day, when I can crawl in bed, pull the covers up and make the world go away until tomorrow. I'd sleep my life away if I could. And I keep going to bed earlier and earlier the heavier I get. I might get up 5 times a night to eat, drink, pee...but the inactivity has almost become an obsession. I've tried so many sleep aids to keep me "out" for the night that things like Nyquil and Benedryl don't even make me sleepy anymore. I often thank my lucky stars that I have my daughter in my life or I bet I wouldn't even get out of bed. Then again, if I weren't a single mom and had no obligations other than to myself I would probably become obsessed with working out at the Y, because going home to an empty house would just be too unbearable.

Wow. Where did that confession come from?! Here I was all pumped about finally having the desire to become fit, then I bare my soul about how completely disgusted I am with myself most days.

Damn, think positive, get your ass moving. Nobody is going to do it for ya!!