Kill the Muffin-Top!

The trials and tribulations of my journey to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I see the Light!!

Wow, I think I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's very faint and barely there but I can see it, sort of. Can't I?!?

I know, you're wondering why a blog about my weight loss journey has had little, actually nothing, to do with weight loss issues? Well that my dear is not quite true...I firmly believe that the 50 lbs. I've gained the last 3 years had to do with a combination of things INCLUDING my emotional state. So while I am struggling to eat healthier foods and spend more time exercising, I realize that clearing my head of the negative crap and clutter will help me to eventually lose weight. I'm not looking for a miraculous drop in weight (oh, it would be nice tho wouldn't it?!) - I'm going with the "slow and steady finishes the race" theory.

So on to Task #1 in Improving My Mental Health: End "relationship" with really nice but still-in-the-closet gay boyfriend. Disclaimer: This is not a slam against those who are gay, nor do I look down on in any way those who are!!!!

For a very long time, long before dating him, I thought he was way too feminine to be straight. I never really was attracted to him at all, and after the first kiss I really knew I wasn't. But he's a super sweet guy who wants a wife and kids; he's honest, hard working, and financially responsible (i.e. - he actually pays his bills). So as we became better friends we thought "what the hell, why not give this a try?" We work together, which was the obvious reason to Just Say No. Before our first date we mutually agreed to keep things a secret; he "only" told 3 co-workers, who just happen to be his best friends and the biggest gossipers around. Needless to say, the 3rd day after the date EVERYONE at work knew, and we became "a couple", much to my dismay. It's sort of like being pushed out onto the stage in front of an autiorum full of people staring and waiting to witness your next move. I knew I should've run screaming from the situation right then and there but having been too quick to "judge" in past relationships (when the chemistry just wasn't "there" for me, I promised I'd give this one an honest try which I did, for 3 long miserable months).

Fast forward a month or so of "dating"; The first time we were alone and things got heated..."nothing came up". No biggie, it happens. I'm a patient gal. Then the second opportunity...fumbled again. Now wait a minute I said to myself...maybe my gut feeling about his sexuality was true, even though he won't admit it to himself? This appeared to be a common problem for him in newer relationships, and he'd only been with a few girls before; not common for a decent looking guy in his 30's, at least not in this area. Hell, I've had more experience and I was married, and have "gone without" (by choice) for the last 2 years!

Then we stumbled into what I consider "high school dating" - you know what I'm talking about: when he calls every night, sometimes more than once, just to talk endlessly about nothing (even though we work together, see each other and can talk/email all we want during the day). Then there's the "showing off" stage where you basically become a piece of meat on his arm, when he gropes at you and showers you with kisses in public just so people know you're "together" (and I mean like at the busiest nightclub in town, when we were there with a bunch of couples hanging out). Then there was the "I think it's a real turn on to annoy the hell out of you and piss you off" stage. That was my final straw. I'm a 34 year old woman damnit, I don't need to feel like I'm on the playground at school with the mean boy who bullies me but has a secret crush on me!!

Then there was the "I need more space", "you're suffocating me", etc. remarks I gave him. How did he react? By parking down the road (so I wouldn't hear his truck) and stopping by to drop off flowers last night, and this after I told him I had plans; I personally think he was checking to see if I was really home. Not that the flowers aren't beautiful and that I don't appreciate it, but I felt like it was a last attempt to try and win me over.

I know, I sound like a selfish, ungrateful bitch. But I'm not, I swear!!!! I just want time alone to do what I want, when I want. I'm divorced
from a real asshole who scarred me with habitual lies, infidelity, a controlling personality and emotional abuse. It's been 6 years of raising my daughter alone (which I wouldn't trade for anything!) and what I would love more than anything is to casually date, get to know guys, and then maybe fall in love with the right guy. My (now ex) BF was telling me he loved me within 2 dates. HELLO - high school was 15 years ago, not last week!!!

So today I finally snapped and told him: let's go back to being friends and see if anything develops down the road. And in the meantime, I need my space to be me, not part of an "us". Now I've "broken" his heart, and the guilt trips were attempted ("I want to go sit in a corner and cry" and "I'm a failure because I can't make you happy"...blah blah blah). Although he now claims to realize the errors of his ways, he's emailed me at least a dozen times this afternoon. Funny how he still calls me "Sweetie", "Hon", etc.

THE MORAL OF THIS RAMBLING STORY: I feel damn good, better than I've felt in weeks (if not months?). I don't feel like I'm suffocating anymore. If I decide at the last minute to go to Hobby Lobby I don't have to worry about my BF calling me in a paranoid funk, questioning where I am/who I'm wish/why I didn't invite him to come along! I feel great, and surely this will help in the big scheme of things when it comes to getting my weight/health under control. Hell, my blood pressure probably just dropped 30 points today! Now if only it could help me lose a few pounds...LOL


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