Kill the Muffin-Top!

The trials and tribulations of my journey to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Monday again?!

I just spent most of the weekend doing something I haven't done since...well, long before I was married or became a mom! Don't get too excited, it wasn't a "girls gone wild" weekend...far from it!

Friday night my DD and I went to see Cars. It was good - I would suggest it. I was a little surprised to find that I enjoyed it but glad that I did.

Saturday my DD had a friend overnight. Hmmm....what to do? Work in the yard? Spring cleaning? I decided to open a novel, something I haven't done, quite literally, in years. Before I knew it, the girls were fast asleep, I was curled up in bed with the book, and the TV stayed off. Shortly before midnight I closed the book and turned off the light, glowing in the realization I had just read a novel from cover to cover (A Year of Pleasures by Elizabeth Berg)..

Sunday morning I woke with an almost giddy feeling...READ, I need to READ...so I grabbed another borrowed yet never started novel off the shelf (The Five People You Meet in Heaven). Late morning I headed out to the deck to spread out in the lounge chair and read. By early afternoon I was done it. Oh no!!! What to do now? Well the obvious...start another book! I think I've found a new hobby which feels totally self indulgent but one that I really enjoy. I spent the entire weekend relaxed. I slept better (maybe because I stayed up too late reading!), I didn't have "binging" issues, and even better, I ran out of smokes sometime Saturday and it not only didn't bother me, I realized I didn't need to run out and buy more, so I've been smoke-free since!

Guess reading a good book is one way to fill the voids which tend to over eating & smoking...who'da thunk?! LOL

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Back in the Saddle Again!

I did it! Tuesday evening I went to WW and although I wasn't going to weigh in (very bloated that night) I decided, What the Hell...might as well have a current number to start with. I was up to 200.6, only 0.2 lbs. away from my original "starting weight" on February 17th. Ouch!! That's "a stick of butter" as the leader would say. But no excuses, I know why the scale was up, my fault completely. But that's the past.

Turns out the horrendously boring leader was absent Tuesday so I was pleasantly surprised to see Deb, whose meetings normally conflict with my schedule. I was once again reminded how important a good leader is to Success; too bad all the "good" ones have meetings when I can't go. Deb was funny, inspirational, encouraging and educational. I laughed, I learned, I even had fun. Now THAT is how the meetings should always be! Guess I need to find a way to start attending her meetings weekly, even if it means an upset in my daughter's bedtime schedule.

So with my newly dated journal in hand and new Points Calculator, I approached yesterday with the "3 P's": Planning, Preparing, Practicing. Corny I know, but maybe this will help remind me what I need to keep on track. Plan my meals, Prepare my meals, and Practice (do it!).

Yesterday for the first time in a VERY long time I stuck to my guns. I didn't go over in points. I ate healthy foods, which satisfied me emotionally and physically. I drank 64 oz. of water. I took my vitamin. And most importantly, I got on that treadmill for 30 minutes! Now granted, I didn't set it at an incline or at a high speed; my goal was to "just do it" for 30 minutes, no excuses....and I did. And tonight I'll do the same! I know that by exercising daily, even starting out slow, I'll build endurance each and every time. That's what I'm going for. Push myself a little more each day without hurting myself.

So I sat down with the calculator and calendar and figured out our Disney trip is exactly 16 weeks from yesterday. If I lose 2.5 lbs. per week I would be 160 lbs. by vacation. Still not a svelt figure but a far cry from 200 lbs.! Hell, any amount I lose by then will be better than nothing, but at 160 lbs. I won't be so far from my ultimate goal. And 40 lbs. is a lot of extra weight to be lugging around Disney! I'm picturing huffing & puffing, sweating and inner thigh rash. EEEWWWW!! At least at 160 lbs. I can hold my own, and fit into a pair of shorts! For comparison, a 1 lb. per week loss would put me at 184 lbs., and 2 lbs. per week would put me at 168 lbs, still "acceptable" under the circumstances (in my book). But 3 lbs. per week (yes, I know...not very likely or even healthy, but still possible I think) would put me at 152 lbs.!!!

....she says as she eats her Barilla Plus pasta & marinara, both carefully measured out before cooking...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Ugh.

Yes, I fell off the WW wagon and it ran me over and I was left to bleed to death. Shame on me...what else can I say?!

I've really discovered over this past month or two how obsessive my personality can be. When I get my mind on something I give it my undivided, 24/7 attention. Balance has never been a strong point of mine; not in relationships, eating habits, etc. My latest "craze" has been obsessively planning a long-weekend get-a-way to Disney in September. Four short days yet I've spent hundreds of hours researching, planning...obsessing. Enough's enough! Time to put my focus back where it belongs! If I'm going to obsess, let it be over exercising and losing weight!

Tonight I'm headed back to WW to (1) buy a new journal (I can't stand using a "tainted" journal with failure days in it) and (2) to actually attend a meeting! It's the leader I can't stand, she bores me to death and doesn't seem to have any real interest in being there, but maybe...just maybe, she'll say something inspiring to help boost me back into the saddle again.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Plop Plop Fiz Fiz

Rain, Rain, Go Away...Come Again Another Day...

My ass is just dragging this morning. Maybe because it hasn't stopped raining in 2 days?! It's cold, windy, rainy...what a miserable day. At first the rain was a welcome break - its the only way I can get my DD to go to bed at a reasonable time since the time change. When its dark and rainy outside it is much easier to convince her it is later than it really is. But my personality craves sunlight too, and from the recent forecasts it appears sunshine won't be around for several more days. Bah hum-bug!

Today is Day #5 of being smoke-free. YES, I know smoking is deadly, and expensive, and disgusting...I know all the facts. And yes I've tried quitting before. Like the food binger I am, I'm a closet-smoker. No, I'm not one of those skanky women puffing away on smokes in public, polluting everyone's air. Like the way I overeat, I smoke in hidden shame, visible to no one.

I know the first few days are the hardest, and I think I've officially gotten past the "worst" of it. How do I know? This morning, not once did I think about lighting up when I took the dog out to do his morning duty. On the way to work, after dropping off my DD, not once did I long for a quick smoke before work. In fact, it wasn't until I was getting out of my car and work and instinctively reached down to make sure my cigs weren't showing in the car door and realized for the first time today, that was the first thought of smoking I had. Now THAT is serious progress in my opinion!!

This week I really put my feet to the fire and wanted to stick to WW 100%. I tried, but it wasn't easy. I KNOW I can do it, but I was on a bit of a rollercoaster with the whole quit-smoking adventure. But I did it, and I feel like I've passed that dangerous mark (where I could slip backwards at any moment). So in the big scheme of things delaying my weight-loss efforts another week shouldn't be the end of the world. Quitting smoking is very difficult but I'm doing it, so staying OP should be a piece of cake in comparison, right? And I did stick to the program quite a bit this week, just not as well as I should have. So no fears comrades, I haven't deserted camp yet, nor do I plan to!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Water, Water Everywhere

Yes, that's right; I'm a not-so-lean peeing machine! Today is Day 2 of drinking my water requirements and sticking to my points. I've been taking a multi-vitamin for the past week and I've said "bye bye" to those nasty cigs. Yet amazingly, I haven't ripped off anyone's head yet (even with it being that TOM) but that might be because I'm about as water-logged as David Blaine, but a whole lot smarter I must say!

The secret of my water-drinking success this week, other than determination, is this nifty, gawdy water jug:



Yes, I know it's tacky but it holds 72 oz. of water so I fill it up in the morning, take it to work (I keep it in the office fridge) and I can't go home until it's gone. And so far, the system seems to be working. Despite the fact I take my empty cup into the kitchen when no one's around, stand in the open door of the fridge and fill it as quickly as possible so nobody sees whose honkin' big jug it is!!! Just trying to fend off the critics as long as possible.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Ab Lab

I survived the weekend which was anything but relaxing. Yet I didn't seem to get much done on Saturday or Sunday - how can that be?!

An "Ab Lab" is being offered at work on Saturday mornings for 8 weeks. It is only a 30 minute class but a real workout from what I've heard. Since the session is being offered once again, I think I may give it a shot. It's a real commitment for me considering I'm already spread so thin these days but this class might be just what I need to tone up the abs a little. Okay, my abs need A LOT of toning but this class would be a start, without overdoing it as a beginner. My stomach used to be my best asset; that's now long gone. I'd love to start redifining my waist while I whittle away at the body fat. Yes, I think I'll give it a shot. What do I have to lose, other than inches?!

I am so damn hungry today! I put myself back OP today and I feel famished. Guess my body is used to all the grease & fat I was pumping it full of the last few weeks. To help ease the transition a little I'm treating myself to a yummy dinner while still staying OP. I plan on grilling out: a small tenderloin and fresh zucchini. I'll saute up some fresh spinach, garlic and a bit of olive oil for added fuel. I hope it all turns out; I'm not exactly a master chef and using a grill is about as foreign to me as any country outside the USA. I've actaully defrosted 2 steaks in case I destroy the first one! LOL

Thursday, May 04, 2006

What I Am NOT Doing...YET!

Not that long ago I posted "What I Am Doing". Call it a jinx, or more likely a series of unfortunate events which allowed me to make excuses and not take care of myself. Now I'm facing quite a large weight gain since my last WI two weeks ago. In fact, based on what my scale said the other day and how my clothes are fitting this week, I'd bet money I am back to my original starting weight from when I joined WW back in February. BOO HOO and DAMN MYSELF!!!

Alright, no pity parties here because this is all a result of MY actions, and lack thereof.

So what am I going to do about it?

I am taking a day of vacation tomorrow and have scheduled some past-due appointments: eye exam, hair cut, eyebrow waxing...and I'm going to do some serious regrouping, both physically (planning meals, setting up a beginner exercise program, etc.) and mentally (which means cleaning the house, sorting through old paperwork, etc.). My DD will be spending the day and night with her cousins on Saturday which gives me an extra 24 hours alone to do what needs to be done!

I have set up a new "weekly meal planner" so I can be better prepared with my meals and grocery shopping no matter what happens. At the drop of a dime I may be called down to take care of personal/financial issues for the in-laws but should that happen, I'll be ready. My FIL has a very poor heart which will never be strong enough for surgery so another heart attack is highly probable. My MIL has made it VERY clear to the family that should he die first, she will immediately take her own life. She has planned this for years, and nothing we say/do will change her mind. So as you can see, I am living on the edge of a very steep cliff. My heart races each time the phone rings!

I will WI tomorrow and although the results will be devastating, I must do this. I also need to buy a new journal because I'm very anal and I want the weeks to add up correctly especially since I will be starting WW "from scratch" on Saturday, the start of my "new week".

Have a great weekend everyone out there in bloggerland!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Nightmares!

No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get myself "back on track". Okay, maybe I'm not trying that hard. I'm tired. Dead tired. I'm not sleeping well, which leaves me with little energy throughout the day which keeps me inactive and leads to further tiredness. I feel like a walking zombie!

So what's happening? Why am I spiraling into a puffy pit of Hell? The whole in-laws situation is keeping me hopping, both physically and mentally, not to mention emotionally. Plus it's just a busy time for me right now with social obligations, getting the yard ready for summer, and the committee I volunteer on in summer.

No excuses, I know. I just need to regroup and move on. I've requested a day of vacation on Friday to regroup at home while my DD is in school. Hopefully it will get me back on the right track for the weekend.



Last night I had an awful nightmare. I know it was a subconcious mix of dealing with my in-laws' medial problems and watching Dr. Oz's "90-Day Live Longer, Feel Younger Plan". It really hit home and made me realize I not only want to lose weight but also want to nourish my body with the right foods. I want to be around for a long time and I want my body to be able to keep up with me, not like my MIL who is in her late 60's and looks so much older (plus her body can't possibly support her still-alert mind).

So on to the nightmare...in my dream I was being examined by some doctors. After more and more tests they informed me I needed open-heart surgery, and I needed it now. Being I'm only 35 this may seem far-fetched but I sure woke up in a cold sweat. I realized that it was the "a-ha" moment I've needed to kick myself in the ass. If I don't lose weight, stop smoking and start exercising I WILL DIE much too young. Yes I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let myself go down when my health is very much in my control for the mostpart.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

When It Rains It Pours

Just when life (or at least my diet) seems to be getting back on track...DE-RAIL! Saturday my MIL fell and shattered her femur in BOTH legs. FIL is still in a rehab center where he will likely remain indeffinately. As their Power of Attorney I need to find her a rehab center for the next 3-6 months. Logically she should go with her husband, but his is a workman's comp injury and hers is covered under the private insurance she will be losing any day now when FIL's employer officially "terminates" him (retires). Then there's the fact I'm no longer married to their son (haven't been for 6+ years) which only verifies to the social workers, doctors, nurses, etc. what an ass he really is (and not just according to the Ex Wife).

I'm not sleeping well this week and I'm not eating well either. Not horrible, just not "good". I haven't taken the time to count Points. I haven't exercised. Today I feel like a stuffed pork sausage (thanks to the delish 1/4 lb. mushroom swiss burger my mom bought me for lunch). Ugh. I haven't been drinking enough water either.

The good news is that I'm not BINGING...I'm too damn exhausted! Any day I don't binge is a great day I guess.

Friday, April 21, 2006

What I Am Doing

I consider today to be "Day 5" of my WW journey. Yes, I started 9 or so weeks ago but it wasn't until this past Monday I really started to stick to the program (thanks to BCB!) The tables have turned for me and I finally feel like I'm on the right path.

What I'm doing different:

I am drinking water. I never used to drink it. Although I don't always get down 8 glasses, I'm a whole lot closer to it than I was a week ago.

I am sticking to my "points". In the past, somedays I would, some days I wouldn't. Now I am! Thanks to the support of BCB I realize that I am only cheating myself if I don't stick with the program. I'm not "getting away" with something if I go over/don't count points. I'm just hurting myself.

I am not drinking soda. Or at least not much. I used to drink 1-3 cans per day and now I drink 1 can every 2-3 days and never actually finish it.

My nighttime binges are controlled. This is a huge step for me; I wish I could say "my nighttime binges are gone" but I'm not at that place yet. Soon, I promise. Now when I feel the middle of the night need to scarf I do it, for the most part, with WW friendly foods. Hot air popcorn with Molly McButter is a FAR CRY from an entire box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes (my crack of choice in the past). Or a chunk of Laughing Cow Light cheese. And Diet Splash V8...yum, that really cures my sweet tooth during the night!

I now enjoy cooking/planning meals. Another huge step for me! I've had to run my dishwasher EVERY DAY this week; normally I need to run it every 2-3 days.

I am eating until I'm satisfied, not satisfied to be eating. Food is just fuel for my body, not fuel for my soul. It doesn't make me happy or sad. I eat it to nourish my body. Another HUGE step for me! I used to always eat dinner in bed (I turn in early). That was "my" time, when I could turn on the TV and veg out. No wonder I developed a binging disorder! Now I'm eating dinner earlier and not making it a "treat" at the end of my day.

I am not eating points just because I have them left at the end of the day. When I first started WW and had unused points at the end of the day, I would use it as an opportunity to "treat" myself with food (e.g. chocolate, ice cream, etc.) just to "use up" the points. Now if I have unused points at the end of the day I don't treat them as "free money". If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not hungry, I don't.

What I Am Noticing:

My clothes are starting to fit a little looser. Not tons, but I notice there's a little less of me now.
My weight loss, although small yet, is noticeable. I saw a friend the other day who I hadn't seen in a while. She knew nothing of my efforts or joining WW. She looked at me and said, "you're really losing weight!" Actually, I'm losing inches faster than pounds. And now that I'm feeling better about the changes I've made I am taking more pride in myself. I started wearing makeup again and dressing in more form-fitting clothes. I look thinner because I have sparkle in my eyes again!
I am sleeping better at night. I still have a long way to go with improving my sleep pattern but without all that sugar and grease clogging my veins at night I am sleeping much better.
My frequent heartburn is gone. No more eating Tums like candy.
I have more energy. Maybe it's the rise in my self esteem or maybe it's the healthier foods coursing through my veins. Either way, I'll take it!

What I Really Need to Do:

START EXERCISING DAILY!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Hello, This Is Me...

I guess it's time to finally share some photos. I'm not proud of them, being this is the start of my weight loss journey. But here they are nonetheless. The first one was taken in October (2005) and the one on the right was this past Christmas. These are "pre-Weight Watcher" photos.



Kickin' Butt

Things are finally coming together for me in my weight loss journey. I've found a great online support forum (BCB) and I finally feel like it's all clicking. I've discovered great recipes and tips; better yet, I'm actually putting them to good use!

Last night I weighed in with a 2 POUND LOSS. Finally! The last two weeks I shamefully gained but that won't be happening anymore. I'm shooting for an even bigger loss next week now that I'm sticking to my Points and drinking lots of water. I am now focused and kickin' butt.

Well sort of...I still need to get active. And I will, now that I feel "I can do it". This week has been nuts but I can see light at the end of the tunnel. The brat fry was a success and I survived with minimal damage. Wouldn't you know...I was assigned to work the DESSERT TABLE!!! That's right...I was responsible for cutting the desserts and placing them on little plates. There was ooey gooey stuff stuck to the knives and spatulas but I didn't snitch. I had to wash those empty pans filled with sinful globs of goo but not once did I drag my fingers thru it! This in itself is a miracle. I just DON'T bypass such temptation. Or shall I say, "I used to never bypass such temptation". This was my "ah-ha" moment when I realized that I CAN do this. I won't say the temptation wasn't there but it didn't get the best of me. I stood firm and slayed that Dessert Monster!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Back on Track - WOO HOO!!

Yesterday was a great day as far as eating healthy. I even ended the day with 8 leftover points. Usually I'd welcome those points as an allowed freebie of junk food to satisfy me. But with careful planning I had a satisfying and filling day and really didn't need to finish off the remaining points. I also drank 64 oz. of water, a first for me in a long time. I felt good and slept decent so it's nice to know I've put myself back on track!

Today's challenging schedule puts me smack dab in the middle of a brat fry for most of the evening. I know I'll end up hungry by the time it's all said and done. I've strategically planned my day so I will not go to the fry hungry yet will have enough points left to allow myself a burger at the end of my shift. It feels great to know I can still enjoy such indulgences without throwing it all out the window. As for the beans, potato salad & homemade desserts...I can stay strong without giving in. After all, I am in charge of what goes into my mouth and I must live with the consequences. As the old saying goes, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin!"

A close co-worker has rejoined WW and I have found it to be a big help. Most people here don't know I've joined WW because 80% of them are overweight, many moreso than me. This is my journey that a choose to only share with close friends. Now that K is following WW we share recipes, foods, etc. She'll bring me something and say, "try this, it's only 2 points!" and I do the same. It's a nice way to find new foods/recipes and share support. I have found it's easier for me to stay OP now that I have a partner in crime nearby!

My schedule this week is making it near impossible to attend a meeting but in a way that's okay. This is my first week of really being on track 100% and I'm afraid if I weigh in with another small gain this week I'll become more discouraged. Besides, I purchased the season pass which starts next week so I know I'll be able to afford meetings until the end of August. My own personal goal is to lose a significant amount of weight (within healthy guidelines of course) by the time my season pass expires. I will of course continue WW but I hope the summer will bring great results for me. It should...I'll have lots of fresh veggies in the garden and spend a lot of time gardening all summer long. Improve my eating and exercise...as long as I stay committed, I can't go wrong!

This week's favorite meal has been Campbell's Select Gold Label "Italian Tomato with Basil & Garlic" soup for only 1 point per serving! It's not your average tomato soup; rich in flavor with natural bits of goodness. So I'm bad at descriptions - but it's just damn good! Friday night I chopped up some fresh zucchini, added some seasonings and sprayed with Mazola Olive Oil spray. I put it in a foil packet on the grill...very yummy!! I'm new to grilling and this was a definate keeper. I'll be making this frequently throughout the summer!

Have a great day!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Easter Aftermath

The Easter holiday didn't go as smoothly as I predicted last week. It's my fault; I gave myself excuses I chose to accept instead of being true to myself and my commitment to stick to Weight Watchers. Shame on me, but yesterday is now the past and I can only live in the present and look to the future.

Last night and today I have suffered for my betrayal. I finally realize just how awful I felt before starting WW, when I was eating anything and everything in sight and nighttime binges controlled me. I had trouble sleeping last night and oh, the heartburn. And bizzare dreams. So lethargic...I layed around on the couch last night which is SO unlike me. Did I mention today's unbearable gas?!?! My poor co-workers...No hiding it today.

This morning I jumped right back on track and I'm counting points again. Kashi hot cereal for breakfast and some green beans for a snack. So far, too gassy for lunch! Lots of water...as much as I can choke down today. Thank goodness for True Lemon!

This week is going to be extra challenging. A local community group I'm a member of is having a brat fry tomorrow night and then the annual meeting (in which I move from member to officer). Tonight we have to set up as much as possible (chairs & tables, cut buns, fill coolers, etc.) It's a big local event so the next two nights will be crazy for me. Not to mention trying to get my daughter back on track with school (she's been on spring break the last several days) and Thursday night she starts soccer. Last night I was so incredibly lazy from the feasting so I didn't prepare meals for the week ahead which I like to do on Sundays. Looks like I'll be eating a lot of prepared soup (filling and low on points). I will not fail!

Friday, April 14, 2006

S'mores Mini Bars

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I sort of "fell off the WW wagon" and had trouble getting back on track. I faced the scale and took the bull by the horns, no more excuses. I've been back OP for a week now and although the scale is still punishing me for my betrayal, I feel great and my attitude couldn't be better! My mindset seems to be 80% of the battle and I now have control of it so look out!

Last night I picked up the new S'mores Mini Bars at my meeting. WOW, are they ever good!! Only 1 point each and filled with chocolaty good sweetness. I decided to use my newfound love (s'mores mini bars) as incentive to get my butt on the treadmill again. For every day I spend at least 20 minutes on the treadmill, I get to treat myself with ONE of these little goddesses. That sounds fair doesn't it?! My exercise habits have been sorely lacking and this will be a prime area of focus for me this week.

It's a beautiful Spring day here in Wisconsin so I've decided to take the afternoon off from work. I have my grocery list ready and I am going to try out some new recipes I found at the BCC forum. Someone posted the point values of common Easter candies. YIKES!! Glad I stumbled across that post before the Easter Bunny comes so I'm not tempted. 5 points for one peanut butter egg is NOT my idea of a treat!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and a Happy Easter!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Beatin' the Odds...Finally?!

It seems life forever and a day since my tiny home of 2 PEOPLE has been illness-free. Nasty colds and draining flu bugs have been attacking my daughter and I both since the week of Chistmas. It seems I've had it the worst which I'll gladly take over my daughter being sick. Monday evening I was hit hard with the flu - I won't go into details but it wasn't pleasant, I assure you!

Knock-on-wood, everyone seems to be almost healthy again. I had enough energy to get out of bed today which is always a good thing. The sun is shining and spring is here. In fact, 4 robins were fighting this morning as I was getting in the car to leave for work and one actually touched my hair as it flew by! Now birds just don't get that close to humans around here. In fact, the birds continued to quarrel so close to the car that I was afraid they'd get inside, so I jumped in screaming and slammed the door. It's one of those "guess you had to be there" things, but the lady across the street sure got a good laugh as she was letting her dogs out!

I'm ashamed to admit that the ongoing illness in our house has been a poor excuse for not eating properly. I've really fallen off the wagon with counting points. On the plus side, I have yet to experience a weight gain since starting WW and have weighed in with a LOSS at every weigh in. Yeah Me! The losses haven't been great but they're there. I've lost 8+ pounds so far which is so pathetically small I should be ashamed. Yet I have to remind myself that if I hadn't joined WW I'd still more than likely be gaining weight. I really need to get back to attending meetings each week instead of quickly weighing in and doging out the door. Wish the meetings were closer to the town I live in.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

After my triumphant return last week from sickness my daughter was stricken with a nasty bug that kept her fever up and appetite down for most of the week. She seems to be feeling better but it's been a long haul for both of us. The ironic part: She lost 10% of her body weight while sick! True, she was only 53 pounds to start but STILL!! And daily I continue to struggle to lose 10% so I can earn my WW pin. GO FIGURE

With that being said, not much else to report. It's been one helluva week...Happy Weekend!!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Still Sickly But Movin' On

I'm still sick with this nasty cold/sinus infection - wish I could lay in bed all day and not have to function in the real world. My ears are plugged, I can't taste or smell, I have a loose cough and my nose is raw from blowing it so much. But on the plus side, I still have no appetite and since I can't taste or smell, it doesn't pay for me to eat foods that aren't healthy. (Not that it ever "pays" but it's a lot easier to stick to WW when I can't taste what I'm eating!) My scale read "196.5" this morning which is the lowest it's been in months. Guess I can thank my current liquid/soup diet for that. I know the number will jump up once I start eating more solids again but on a day when I feel miserable, it's a shining glimmer of light to brighten my day.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Sickly

I'm sick. Not sick enough to stay in bed all day, but sick enough that I feel like crap and just walking to the bathroom is exhausting. But I went to work so that's 2 points for me. This is the start of a sinus infection - I've had enough in my lifetime to accurately self-diagnose the symptoms. Fortunately I had some leftover prescriptions for the last infection (January) so I hope to be better sooner than later.

My energy and concentration levels are so low that this will be a short entry; sorry if it makes no sense. I skipped WW last week and this week I'm under the gun to correct as much damage as possible. The last 1-2 weeks have been rough for me, especially the whole DOG thing. But that's over and done with and I'm loving my new-found freedom at home (translation: I'm thrilled to be able to move from room to room in my house without climbing/moving baby gates!). The guilt and sadness is just about gone so today is Restart Week 1 for me. I'm back to eating lots of soup and bringing healthy snacks to work. Now if only I can get past the nighttime binges again...

Friday, March 17, 2006

We'll Miss You Doggy

Yeah, our dog is gone now. Last night the family I've been talking to about him came to meet him and just fell in love with the pooch. They hadn't planned on it, but decided to take him home last night. I was relieved, my daughter was crushed. We both had a good cry as we were packing up his things. His new family seems super nice and they were very insistant that we come visit as much as we want to. They invited us to come over and grill out, and to join them on their boat on Lake Michigan. They want to buy a special gift/toy for my daughter, and insisted on sending me some money for him (which I of course declined, but would appreciate since I paid $300 for the pooch when we got him). We sent his favorite toys, kennel, treats, leashes, etc. along to help make the transition easier for everyone. Tonight they are going to call and let us know how he's adjusting. I have a deep-seeded fear that he'll be more than a handful for them and that they'll have second thoughts when they realize just how much of a puppy he really is. I told them, but of course he was on his best behavior the entire time they were there. I told them we'd gladly take him back if they had any problems/doubts once they got him home. They wanted us to come visit him in the next day or two but I think that would only make things worse right now. My daughter agreed; we should wait at least a week until he settles in a bit and we stop crying.

My daughter absolutely fell apart once he was gone. Screaming, hitting, even ripped a picture off the wall. I've never seen her act that way; her heart was broken and she didn't know how to deal with it. And that of course got me crying again, feeling like a crappy mom. Oh what an emotional night it was! I feel like I have a bad hangover today and didn't have a drop to drink. Once she totally exhausted herself she calmed down and apologized and went back to her rational self (then almost immediately fell asleep). She was better this morning and I even got her to admit that it WAS nice to not have to deal with that hyper dog this morning while trying to get ready for school. And she still has "her" dog and 2 cats, so it's not like she's petless. Now she'll be able to take more responsibility for her animals - before I always took the dogs out because mine was such a handful and 2 dogs were just too much for her to take out. Her dog doesn't even need to be on a leash outside so she can handle him just fine on her own.

In between her sadness and the meltdown, I asked what she would like to do tonight...something special (to keep her busy/distracted). She asked to have a "family night" - do each other's hair and nails, eat junk food, watch movies, play games and sleep in the living room. Makes me feel proud to know she wants to spend the evening with me!

So needless to say, my emotional eating binges have certainly been a problem the last few days. At this point I'm not even trying to stop it. I'm not weighing in this week; that would only discourage me more. I'm allowing myself to "do what I need to do" through tonight and tomorrow it's back on my points and exercising without exception. No more failure! I'm going to try and combat this past week's sins as much as possible before next weekend so I can get that scale heading in the right direction again. I know what you may be thinking...it's a DOG!!!! But he was a member of our family for the last 1-1/2 years. My daughter already lost her dad and brother and to be honest, this hit her worse than when the other 2 moved out (although she was a lot younger then). The hardest part is behind us and there's nowhere to go but forward now. I wasn't sure how easy it would be to sleep on the floor tonight but I'm so (emotionally) exhausted that I don't think it will be a problem. I don't even have the energy to dig the air matress out of the basement.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Come Back One-der Land!

Wow, my daily titles are sure a good indication of what this new lifestyle has been for me...good one day, bad the next, good again, bad again...Time to break that cycle!

This weekend was a rough one, but still not a complete regression back to my old ways. I won't even go into the details because it's all so blah, blah, blah! This moment in time is all that matters now since the past is the past. I stepped on the scale this morning to see a perfect "200.0" - WAH!!! Part of it can be contributed to my falters over the weekend and part of it can be attributed to the good 'ole PMS fairy. I woke on Saturday and The Girls were so swollen and sore that I resorted to wearing a sports bra all weekend for added support. The $5 Wal-Mart bras I usually wear just aren't doing the trick these days! I've committed myself to a heavy dose of water consumption this week, along with sticking to my points without failure the rest of the week. No room for error here! I'd really hate to see the WW scale creep up at my next weigh in. I'll accept maintaining my weight from last week but refuse to slide backwards. Last week's weigh in was at 198.0, down exactly 5.8 lbs. from my first weigh in on February 17th. I get to celebrate reaching "One-der Land" AND a 5 lb. weight loss at the next meeting...wouldn't it be a shame if I lost it all before then?

Fortunately I have lots of fresh veggies at home to help me through the next several days. I've discovered a new favorite meal...I boil up some sliced zucchini, saute it up with some garlic and cherry tomatoes and top with a little feta cheese and Barilla marinara (with mushrooms). Yummy, filling, and low on points.

As for the dog...the Humane Society I wanted to send him to (they don't put down any dog they deem adoptable, they keep them until they find a proper home) is in a neighboring county and state law prohibits them from accepting surrenders from outside the county. So back to square one. I talked extensively with a trainer (who knows my dog well) and got some great ideas. Seems he's not a mean dog (which I know); he just needs to learn who the boss is in the house, and it's NOT him! I've begun using the new techniques and so far so good. Maybe there's hope for us yet. I hope to have my home return to its peaceful and happy state before summer arrives.

I don't think anyone reads my blog, which is fine; but I did change the title from "Not By Chance" (as in, I won't lose the weight by chance, it takes hard work) to "Kill the Muffin-Top!" because it seems more aggressive and accurate. :)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Back in the Saddle Again

Yee-haw, I'm back in saddle again! Yesterday I stuck to my points 100% (even came in under my daily allowance). Today at work we had a "pig out day" to celebrate a co-worker's upcoming wedding. Now let me explain - these pigouts are not for sissies. With over 75 people participating you're sure to consume several day's worth of calories when tempted with tables full of goodies. Fortunately today's feast was a "salad bar" theme, and the first of its kind in the 5 years I've been here. Whew! I came prepared with my own lo-cal dressing and reduced fat cheese, along with diced chicken breast. I knew there would be lots of fattening toppings and I wasn't going to blow this one! And I didn't; in fact, I cut out of line half way down when the breads, pasta salads & desserts started creeping up. I went straight back to my desk and filled up on a healthy salad. Yeah me! I'm now pleasantly full (not the normal over-stuffed gut-ache I normally had after one of those luncheons).

As for the dog...no calls yet. Wouldn't ya know...last night he was very well behaved, and my daughter cried herself to sleep after begging me to keep him. Damn, now what?! He has been better the last few days which I contribute to several things 1) he can sense something is going on 2) he went to "doggy playcare" last Thursday and had a blast socializing with other dogs and running around all day, and 2) this weekend we were given a cage for him which is HUGE and since it's wire, he can see everything going around him where as before he was in a smaller plastic cage. Now what?! I think I"ll send him to playcare again tomorrow and see how things go, just taking it day by day with no promises either way. It's all I can do right now.

Life seems to be suffocating me a bit and a big part of that is my cluttered house is adding to my feelings of being overwhelmed. I've decided to take the day off tomorrow to try and regroup and destress. Wish me luck...I need it!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Bye Bye Doggy

Yesterday I came to the long overdue but badly needed decision to find a new home for one of our dogs. He's a sweet and loving dog but still full of lots of puppy energy. It's not fair to him that he's left in his cage for countless hours each day while I'm at work. And as a single mom, I have limited "free" time for walking him, and my daughter is not old enough to walk him alone (and likewise, I can't walk him while she's in bed and home alone). He deserves so much more than we can give him. And because he still has a lot of puppy left in him, we can't leave him uncaged and unattended....he likes to seek and destroy.

My daughter cried, I cried, but we both agree that it's best for us and for him. So I made a few calls to some fellow dog-lovers including the owner of the kennel where we took him for boarding and training. She's going to put some feelers out for us and hopefully the right family will welcome him into their home. I don't want to take him to the Humane Society and risk him being put down. I really don't think that would happen because he's a younger, housebroken Cockapoo, good with other animals and kids. And he's so darn cute! He just deserves better.

This decision left me with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and failure. Yet I know it's the best decsion, and I know once he's gone I'll have a HUGE burden lifed from my shoulders. I just hope it happens quickly so I can get this all behind me. My eating habits over the last several days have been disappointing, if not shameful. At this point I'm not worried about how much I'll lose at Thursday's weigh-in but rather how much I'll gain this week. I didn't stick to my guns last night with the meatloaf dinner, mostly because dinner got pushed back rather late and by the time we ate I was very hungry. Not to mention the surprise bacon-wrapped water chestnuts mom made....YUM!

This morning I've started "fresh" with my eating habits and points. There's no sense dwelling on the last few days, I can't change it now. Onward soldier!!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Fell off the Wagon

Damn it, I fell off the wagon BIG TIME over the weekend. I think I ate 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, or was it 4...I lost count. Eating out was more difficult than I anticipated, mostly because I had several nights of nighttime binging, which led to hunger pangs during the day, restless nights with little sleep, and a bloated feeling mixed with a sense of utter shame. I've probably consumed more than my total weekly allowance of points and it's only Monday. And obviously I can't refrain from eating for the next 4 days so I'll need to be extremely careful.

I did spend a lot of time in the kitchen yesterday preparing healthy foods. I made a big pot of split pea soup which I love. I chopped up lots of fresh veggies for the upcoming week and rationed out food portions for snacks. Tonight is the big meatloaf dinner at my parent's house, which I'm worried I'll BLOW because my food choices have been so poor lately. I actually figured out the point values for each item I'll be eating tonight. I now realize I have to measure each item I put on my plate instead of the usual 'eat till I'm too stuffed to move' when it comes to mom's meatloaf dinners. I also have decided what I'll eat for the entire day including snacks and already recorded each item and their values in my journal. There's no room for error today!

Friday, March 03, 2006

One-der Land

I have officially entered WW's "One-der Land" and the leader congratulated me and told me I want to stay there the rest of my life. "Oh don't worry, I WILL stay there, and I'm never leaving it again!" I replied with a big smile. It's a small step, but lots of small steps will take me through the long haul. I lost 1.8 lbs this week which I'll take; as long as I continue to lose, no matter how small, I'll be happy. I've lost a total of 4 pounds in the 2 weeks I've been on WW and that's with my birthday, the dreaded Girl Scout Cookie arrival, and other food related life events.

This week I'm going to seriously focus on sticking to the points system at all costs. Sunday we're going to brunch with all my aunts, uncles & cousins to celebrate my grandma's 75th birthday. I'm not too worried because I'm not a big brunch fan and there will surely be a selection of foods to chose from. Monday night we're going to my parent's house for dinner and that is my biggest upcoming obstacle for the next week. Mom is making her famous meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes and peas. This folks is my number one food weakness, and it's a rare occassion that she makes it. My little sis is coming home from NC for the weekend and when she does, mom always makes this special meal. I'm saving my entire 35 points allowance for that dinner even if a big slab of meatloaf with potatoes smothered in margarine will add up to 35 points. Maybe I'll be smart and calculate the points ahead of time "just in case".

I went to Wal-Mart to treat myself to an abs workout DVD, something basic and not too time consuming to "start somewhere". They didn't have any workout DVD's. What's up with that?! :(

Goals for this week:
- Stick to the points system 100%
- Drink lots of water each day
- Some form of exercise every day, even if it's only 15 minutes on the treadmill

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Scared

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm scared to weigh in tonight. Why? Because I know I haven't done my best the last several days...one meal of letting my guard down led to several, and let's not forget those damn Girl Scout cookies which arrived Monday. (I only bought them because my daughter is a Brownie so it's only right). I've eaten the equivalent of one box of Tagalongs which is my food crack of choice. As of this morning my scale said 198.5, as it has for the past few days (even last night). I'm really hoping that means I'm holding steady at this weight, at least until after tonight's weigh in. I was down to 196 over the weekend but, well...you know the story. I was really hoping for a strong loss this week to pump me up and feed my desire to try harder. Even though I feel like I've let myself down, I don't feel like I've regressed to my old ways, nor do I want to. I'm not in the mood to throw in the towel, which is a great sign. Today I'm back to eating soup for breakfast as it's the one thing that really carries me through the morning. I've been lax about preparing healthy meals to bring to work and I've been on the go a lot at night...no more excuses. Tomorrow night I'll spend some time in the kitchen and that should help me get through the weekend.

This week I got a crazy notion that I need to start dating again, should I meet someone decent. I Hemmed and Hawwed and decided to post my profile on Match.com. UGH!!! In the last 24 hours I've been bombarded with emails from guys, mostly nice guys who just don't trip my trigger. Some freaks, and not really anyone I could see myself getting to know better. My fault...I posted current pictures of myself and let's face it, I couldn't win a beauty contest these days. The mind is willing but the flesh is not ready. And deep down I know now is not good timing for me to start dating again because I'm trying to really focus on me and what I want to do with my life. Adding a new relationship to the equation would just throw things off at this point. Plus although I'm feeling much better about myself and the changes I'm making, I sure don't feel sexy and self confident yet. I will in time, but that time is not now. Guess I'll pull the plug on my 3-day trial and try again in a few months.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Blah Blah Blah

Not much new to post today. Sunday we went out for pizza and wine (a portion of the sales went to my daughter's school so we had to go). I did okay, all things considered. I didn't overeat and I had 1.5 glasses of wine; once the wine kicked in I decided to order a Calzone to go. Damn, it was good...spinach, garlic, mushroom & artichoke. The flavor was incredible! So I snacked on that the last 2 days but finished it off last night so I could get back on track. Then there were the 4 Girl Scout cookies I ate last night (for a total of 6 points) and the 2 leftover pieces of pizza from Sunday night. Damn, that was a rough one. But I purposely haven't touched any of my flex points this week to counteract such a mishap, which obviously occured. All in all, it wasn't as damaging as past events. And unlike the past, my blunder didn't cause me to throw in the towel and declare myself a failure; I just picked back up this morning with the points and all is good again.

Anyone out there noticing my changed attitude from a month ago? I sure do, and it feels great!

I'm tired this week. Lots going on and I just can't seem to get things to "connect". My house is a mess, I have loads of laundry to put away, my kid needs a bath and I have a lot of fresh veggies in the fridge that need to be used up soon. Sigh. Guess it's time to crack open a Diet Mt. Dew and get to work!

Monday, February 27, 2006

Hike in the Woods

It's amazing to me how my attitude has changed since I first started blogging in January to where I am right now. I've started caring more about my appearance when I leave the house (in other words, I actually put on makeup and wear my contacts; I even find myself wearing lip gloss or lipstick once in awhile - gasp!). The other night I was changing and my daughter (she's 8) said, "mom, you're skinnier!" I think she was just trying to make me feel good, and it worked. The weight is coming off slowly since joining WW but it IS coming off. I'm losing inches and the scale is slowly creeping in the right direction. Obviously I haven't lost enough weight to make a noticeable difference in my appearance (yet!) but I really do feel different about myself. I'm not depressed, and I have an underlying sense of pride for changing my habits. I feel lighter on my feet and feel thinner; I don't feel like the same fat blob who used to continue to grow each day. Mentally and emotionally I fee like a new woman!

Saturday my daughter & I decided to take the dogs for a walk at a nearby 4-H park. We followed the only set of foot prints into the woods since the trails were covered from last week's snowstorm. We ended up following the LONG trail which I'd never been on. It was great, but what a workout!! Tromping thru the deep snow for an hour really gave my body a workout. My boots felt like they were filled with lead by the time we got back to the car and I could barely lift my feet off the ground by that point. We all had fun, including the dogs. The little one (he's less than 5 pounds) had to be carried half way through the hike because the snow was deeper than he was tall. Our other dog (he's about 12 pounds) LOVED the challenge and I've finally found a way to burn off that puppy energy he has. Needless to say, everyone slept good Saturday night!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

THANK YOU Weight Watchers!

I can say with a great deal of confidence that if I had not joined Weight Watchers last week, I would've consumed a TON more calories (not to mention fat grams) last night on my birthday! I did eat 1 more slice of pizza than I had anticipated, but easily passed on the garlic bread (something I never would've done pre-WW). We even splurged on DQ sundaes on the way home but I had a small sundae...far cry from my days of "larges" and certainly much less damaging than the entire cake I would've consumed in years past (over a matter of days, but I still would've eaten it all!).

So I got through my birthday much better than I did in years past. (...she says as she pats herself on the back) I'm looking forward to my first weigh in on Friday but I'm a little nervous that the results won't be as exciting as I'm hoping for. Logically, I know that a loss of 1 pound per week is a safe, reasonable goal. Yet I'm hoping that this first week will bring me a jumstart on the weight loss. Guess I'll just have to stick to the program and see what happens on Friday!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Happy Birthday To Me!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I've certainly spent enough time dreading this day but now that it's here, dare I say it...I almost feel special today?! Turning 35 seemed like a really big deal to me, not that I consider it "old" in anyway. But I feel like I've wasted a lot of good years, especially the last few. I let my health and appearance go to hell, and for that I'm ashamed. But all hope is not lost...

I decided to bite the bullet and joined Weight Watchers last Friday night. I intended on using the membership primarily for the accountability of weighing myself publicly once a week, and didn't hold a lot of stock into their eating program. I'll admit I went into it quite skeptical - you mean I can eat whatever I want, as long as I stay within my points?! Surely a program that would allow me to eat CRAP won't work... But once I got home with my books and literature I pulled out my handy dandy calcualator and realized, if I eat CRAP during the day, there won't be many points to hold me over until the next day. And once I started adding up the "points" of a typical day for me I realized this could actually work!

I weighed in at my all-time high weight: 203.8 lbs. UGH!!! But I purposely joined when I was at my worst, and when Aunt Flo was visiting. Start with the worst situation and it can only get better from their, right? I actually started to follow the "Points" system and it's almost become a game for me. Oh to my surprise and joy last night when I discovered my last remaining 5 points allowance was exactly the number of points one serving (15 pieces) of Kit Kat Bites are. For the first time in a LONG time I ate that candy without feeling guilty. I savored each and every bite, instead of the normal inhaling I would've done last week. And I proudly measured out one serving and didn't go one bite over. This may not sound like a big deal to most, but it was truly a monumental event for me. And it actually gave me hope that I can make this happen.

And another "good sign"...my aunt gave me a bag of Hershey Kisses with Almonds for my birthday and I immediately gave them away. I know, I could've had a few, but in all honesty if I would've had one I would've ended up eating the entire bag. Another baby step which NEVER would've happened a week ago, when I was still living on faulty excuses and "next times".

Today is Day 4 on the Points system. My scale is down 5+ pounds from Friday. I know it's a result of several things but it gives me hope that I might actually have a loss at my next weigh-in.

I've carefully rationed out my points for my birthday dinner. Nothing fancy, but we're going to my favorite pizza place and they have the best wine. I've already figured out how many pieces of pizza and glasses of wine I can have without "going over". In the past I would've eaten nearly a whole pizza myself plus cheese garlic bread. I can guarantee I won't be doing that tonight!

As for the nighttime binging...it's actually somewhat under control. This accountability I'm holding myself to is really helping. I won't say it's easy, but it sure helps win the battle when I'm struggling with myself. Actually, that's why I don't have a lot of flex points left for tonight's festivities. I've been counting my nighttime binging points which is only fair to myself. For example, last night I "binged" on whole grain toast with natural peanut butter and honey, a glass of skim milk and some unsalted roasted sunflower seeds. Woo Hoo, go nuts! A week ago a typical nighttime binge was an entire box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. NOW CAN YOU SEE WHY I'M FEELING SOME SUCCESS?!

I'll be sure to check in again tomorrow with tonight's results...wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

"Love Thyself Day"

I am renaming today "Love Thyself Day", for those of us who are not in a relationship at the moment. In the past I've usually spent single Valentine's Days "treating" myself to a rich, lucious meal which usually included a bottle of wine and lots of chocolate. Not today! Nope, I'm using today as the official kick-off to honoring my heart by "treating" it to healthy foods and exercise!

I actually feel good today; no edginess or cravings for junk. I'm not sure why, but hey, I'll take it!! Tonight will be the real test...my daughter will be gone until bedtime and I'll be on my own for dinner. I'm planning on having a veggie burger (no bun) with hummus. Here's how I did so far today:

B: Kashi Go Lean cereal with skim milk and blueberries, glass of V8 juice
S: Oat bran pita with hummus
L: Lentil & ham soup

I feel full and content, and this IBS-sufferer is sure not complaining about the added fiber today! OI brought a yogurt and sunflower seeds for an afternoon snack. I was able to have today's food packed and ready to go last night before bed and it really helped me get out the door with healthy foods this morning. I also started using a "Weekly Meal Planner" chart to help me determine what and when I'll be eating in the coming days. This way I can plan ahead and use ingredients I have on hand before they go bad (I'm terrible at letting things expire before I use them up), or make a quick grocery run without forgetting what I need.

I've also printed out the recommended daily food requirements for myself and my daughter to use as a reference point (posted on the fridge). Hopefully the gentle reminder will help assure we are getting enough of the nutrients our body needs each day (something neither of us has been very good at lately). Create My Pyramid Plan

I'm still debating about joining Weight Watchers. I could go to my first meeting tonight, when my daughter is gone. But making weekly meetings (especially on the same day each week) might be too hard for this single mom to pull off. Guess I'll decide tonight...and would it really hurt to try to give it a shot? I think I'd be much more likely to stick to The Plan if I know I'm facing weekly weigh-ins....Any opinions out there??